10/03/2008 noone but me from URL @ 12:05 AM But that is how its gotta be, its comin' down to nothin more than apathy. I'd rather run the other way than stay and see,
Yeah k well, im feeling quite zoned out now. Today it hit me i guess. I feel it & quite acutely as well; but its strange that i dont even know what that 'it' is. Perhaps, the mistakes i shouldnt have made then, the things i should have realised then, or the choices i should have made then; i cant place my finger on exactly which it is, but simultaneously they all hit me today. Hard too. Sometimes i think im really stupid for not having realised all these back then, when it was so distinctly obvious; & when it mattered. But i guess there was a reason for me to not have. There's a reason for everything, isn't there? Im sure i feel anger, disappointment and hurt, but the feeling of helplessness is the one that gets to me the most. How could i have been so damned stupid? Dammit. But well, i'll put up with it, with you; just don't expect much cos i dont know for whose sake am i even bothering.
I want to disappear. I want to colour and paint and draw. And bake. I want to bake. Oh and i want to jog and jog and jog. & listen to loud music. I want to sit at the round table at cedar and just watch all my pltnmates talking. Or sit at the back of 4i & listen to abby singing and watch everyone doing what they're doing. Or sit in the treehouse at vj & talktalktalk about nothing and everyth with adlin.
mooooooooooo nish moooooooooo, i love my bully.
Lets rearrange, i wish you were a stranger i could disengage.
but thats disregard, you find another friend and you discard.